Psychologist Andrea Bonaire invites each couple to discuss these things before stamping their passports. As a psychologist and columnist for advice, I have met many unhappy people in their marriage. In some cases, crises led to problems; the loss of loved ones, difficulties in raising children, unexpected illnesses, or financial failures. But in others, the difficulties initially manifested themselves in the form of daily conflicts due to incompatibility.
If you plan to connect life with another person or even start living together, you need to deal with the controversial issues below. None of them should be considered a reason to break up because love can motivate working on a relationship. But if you find problems early, you can save your union.
1. What differences do you like now and may become annoying after five years?
The irony of romantic love is that, at first, a partner can attract traits that are opposite to your own. Its spontaneity seems exciting because you are used to living according to a plan. Your tendency to rest when mildly unwell look great because you push yourself to work even with the flu. Other habits related to biorhythms, career, or hobbies attract with their exoticism and novelty. But your own may eventually prevail.
2. How do you deal with stress together and separately?
What does your partner do when they get stuck in traffic? How does he behave if he does not get enough sleep? What if his parents have sudden health problems?
At the beginning of a relationship, both of you try to be exemplary. But this makes it difficult to understand how each of you reacts to pressure. And over the years of life together, there will be a lot of him.
It’s even more important to understand how the two of you react to stress. Do you retreat and isolate or deal with it as a team?
3. How does your partner feel about drugs, alcohol, and gambling?
Of course, addiction to drugs and gambling can occur suddenly. But more often than not, potential addiction can be foreseen – you are simply afraid or do not want to notice it. Or, while you’re young, endless partying seems like the norm. Once you have children, an alliance with an incorrigible party animal won’t seem like a good idea.
Take a closer look at your partner now. The sooner you notice potential problems, the more likely they are to be successfully resolved.
4. How do you get along in everyday life?
Imagine that next to you is not a loved one, but just a roommate. How well do you get along? Do you match your choice of a comfortable temperature and sleep mode? How do you deal with issues related to cleaning, cooking, home improvement, pets, and guests? Who keeps the bills, and who calls the plumber if the toilet breaks down? Although prosaic, these are fundamental questions.
5. What do you think of children?
You need to find out whether you both want children or not before going to the registry office. However, it is important to discuss the details. Let’s say each of you vaguely imagines that you are the parent of two children. But what if the other one absolutely wants to have one child? What if you are faced with infertility? Will you keep trying to get pregnant, or will you take the child from the shelter? You need to dig deeper and study all the nuances.
6. How much and often do you discuss relationships with others?
In the beginning, it is normal to share experiences with friends and family. Marriage changes everything. Therefore, it is important to understand whether cheating would be considered if the wife talks about sexual problems with her friend. Or if the husband asks the mother for family advice.
There are no correct answers to these questions. But the more yours match, the easier it will be for the two of you.
7. How do you react to conflict?
Explore your couple’s conflict styles. Perhaps someone always apologizes first? Maybe the others argue all the time? Or one needs to shout and swear, and the other to be in silence and cool down? Think about how you can improve the situation.
Healthy relationships involve honest and respectful communication, without play, passive aggressiveness, personal confusion and violence.
8. How do you feel about each other’s relatives?
You don’t have to admire the family of the chosen one. But you need to make sure that he is happy with your relationship with his family.
It is also worth figuring out what to do if your partner hates their parents, and you like them. Or if he wants to go on vacation with his relatives and you don’t. What role will they play in raising your future children? What if they need help or money? Or, on the contrary, will they start giving money to you?
Often, even during the preparation for the wedding, the first family squabbles arise. Use them as an opportunity to practice in a relationship.
9. Do you expect something to change?
I have heard so often from those whose marriages are falling apart: “She was always selfish, but I thought that everything would change when children were born” or “He was never a responsible person with money. But I thought that one day we would have a house and it will grow. “
Do you think that your partner will magically become a different person after a stamp in your passport, with the appearance of children, pets, a mortgage, a serious job, or just over time? Think again.
Perhaps it will be so, but the desire must come from him, not from you. If you do decide to tie the knot, accept the chosen one for who he is.
10. How do you feel about money?
The more your financial views differ, the more tense the relationship will be. It is also important here how big an apartment each of you wants to buy, how much he plans to save, how much he is ready to lend to friends or relatives and tip the courier. The more honestly you discuss these issues, the stronger the foundation of your union will be.
Adapted and translated by Wiki Avenue Staff
Sources: Life hacker