When you are in love, everything around you seems beautiful. But when the passion subsides, it becomes clear; to be together for a long time, you need to know some secret. Scientists have been interested in this topic and have conducted studies that explain how to maintain strong relationships. Love is beautiful. Love is amazing; love is the best thing on this planet. But love is still a bitch. And marriage is a daily hard work.
After these words, older people will begin to nod in agreement, and young lovers will plug their ears with their fingers and recite the film “Three meters above the sky” by heart. What can be done to ensure that the relationship lasts as long as possible? Myths about love sound attractive, but what to do in reality if you want to keep passionate feelings for life?
It’s amazing that everyone asks how you got married. Nobody asks how you managed not to get a divorce.
It turns out that research has even been done on this topic. Their results can be easily adapted and applied in practice.
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Online dating doesn’t work
If you want to find the ideal partner using some computer algorithms or are going to consider the profiles of only those who have familiar words written in the “Interests” column, then you are doomed to failure in advance.
After all, research says that similar interests don’t have a significant impact on relationships. The cumulative result of 313 separate studies demonstrates that your mutual love for Woody Allen’s films will not help keep your marriage alive any longer. In 2010, the level of satisfaction of the spouses was studied. It turned out that the same interests of partners do not affect this indicator in any way.
When we want to meet a copy of ourselves, marry her and live happily ever after, we are making a big mistake.
Real-life is completely different. Marrying someone just because he or she also enjoys listening to Radiohead and crying is silly. Your compatibility only affects 1% of the length of your life together.
Every couple has problems; the point is how you deal with these complexities. In other words, it’s not how you feel that matters. What matters is how you feel about your feelings. You need to find someone who expresses their emotions the same way you do.
University of Washington professor John Gottman has provided strong evidence that this affects how long a marriage lasts. The way you behave creates an emotional template that forms the common space for a couple to exist.
You shouldn’t worry about getting your partner to love Scarlett Johansson’s game. By choosing a spouse, you automatically get his problems. The only thing that should concern you is how to build relationships so that there are as few conflicts as possible.
It’s good to argue
You can even swear over little things. Seriously, that’s okay. Scientists believe that couples who fight more often than others about the most insignificant things lead long and happy lives. On the other hand, those couples who fight only for the most serious reasons are more likely to get divorced.
Of course, you shouldn’t swear on the first date, but the study says that if you spent three years together and practically didn’t fight, you are most likely on the verge of divorce.
Scientists believe that swearing and arguing is a way of expressing feelings. Without them, your relationship becomes unhealthy.
You could say that Romeo and Juliet never argued. There is an answer to this too.
Romeo and Juliet is a bad example. Consider arranged marriage
Romeo and Juliet did not quarrel because William Shakespeare decided to kill them long before the first conflict. This couple symbolizes romantic relationships so well only because they did not live to quarrel over unwashed dishes.
Passion is fast, captivating, and light. But relationships are love, work, and work. Instead of taking Romeo as an example, who instantly fell in love with Juliet for life, succumbing to the influence of dopamines, think of those whose marriage was arranged.
Arranged marriages are very difficult for both partners at the very beginning. But since there is nowhere to go from the submarine, both are trying to work on what is. Research confirms that arranged marriages are much more successful than marriages for love.
Of course, no one advises you to contract an arranged marriage. But it’s worth learning from these people. They throw illusions away, realize that there is a lot of work ahead of them, and, rolling up their sleeves, begin to work on the relationship.
Everything that leads to success in life will help to achieve success in marriage
We talk so much about what needs to be done to succeed at work, school, or life. It all works in a relationship too. Do you want your partner to be faithful to you? Betrayed? Be firm. Girls, look for tough, confident guys. Men, pay attention to those women whose opinion does not change depending on the direction of the wind or the weather.
It is the hardness that helps us in life responsible for the ability to work on complex tasks for a long time. Why is this important for a relationship?
Researchers say toughness helps you cope with circumstances and problems. And in marriage, there are always some problems. Those who cannot solve them give up and quit relationships, work, and stop building a career.
Love won’t last long on its own. Feelings remain hot and passionate only because people are working on it.
Can Long Term Relationships Be Predicted?
To do this, you need to ask the couple about their relationship. Yes, it’s that simple.
Psychologists at the University of Washington found that by the way, partners describe their relationship, it is possible to predict whether they will divorce or not, with an accuracy of 94%. You need to be attentive to how the spouses talk about their shared past.
BAD: We had a fight. It was terrible. To be honest, Oleg behaved disgustingly.
GOOD: We had a fight. It was terrible. But we discussed this later. We seem to get along even better now than before.
Every couple faces challenges. The only difference is how you are going to perceive and interpret what has been lived. You know, you don’t need a lot of intelligence to say that a quarrel is bad, and Oleg is a fool. But you need to make a lot of effort to learn to appreciate the good moments and the bad ones to make the most of the benefits even from conflicts and problems.
Nobody is happy running the twentieth kilometer of a marathon. But if you stop and do not reach the finish line, you will definitely not be happy. The taste of victory and champagne is what will make the moment really enjoyable.
Let’s sum up
- Similar interests won’t help. The same playlists are not the basis for a good marriage. It’s worth starting to focus on your emotions.
- Arguing can be helpful. Negative communication is better than no communication.
- There is a lot of work ahead of you. And there is no getting away from her. Don’t look at Romeo and Juliet. Learn from arranged marriages.
- Be firm. Devotion. Honesty. This is what it means to be firm. This is the key to success at work and in love.
- Be grateful for the difficulties. Tell your story, full of ups, downs, and happiness that you have experienced all this together.
Adapted and translated by Wiki Avenue Staff
Sources: Life hacker